


words unspoken under infinite skies

by ohunshines



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hyunjin and Jisung pine for three years but it's not that deep, M/M, Mentioned Bang Chan, Mentioned Kim Woojin, Mentioned Lee Minho | Lee Know, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Minor Kim Seungmin/Seo Changbin, Rated T for swearing and the two fights Hyunjin gets into, Swearing, brief sexual harassment, references to past abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-29
Updated: 2019-08-29
Packaged: 2020-09-28 22:02:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20433161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohunshines/pseuds/ohunshines
Summary: Three years of avoiding everything and anything that remotely brought back bitter memories has tired Hyunjin out. Yet when the living, breathing reason of his relentless marathon appears before his eyes, Hyunjin can’t find it in himself to keep running.





	words unspoken under infinite skies

**Author's Note:**

> Characters are slightly aged up and I want to remind everyone what I've put in the tags so you don't run into the scenes and get uncomfortable! But otherwise, thanks for giving this a chance~

Hyunjin doesn’t know why it’s like a universal college party thing to have lights as dim as possible inside the house because his eyes are hurting from squinting at everyone to make out their face. He’s nursing “a wholesome drink” as Seungmin calls it, a little carton of juice with a plastic straw that’s been flattened from how much he’s chewed on it over the past thirty minutes. The carton itself is empty but Hyunjin is still holding onto it because if he doesn’t, he’s sure someone will shove a not-so-wholesome drink into his hand and that won’t end up well. He’s a bit of a lightweight.

He’s sitting at the edge of Seo Changbin’s pool, pants pulled up to his knees so he can dip his legs into the water. There’s a few people in it but no one is actually swimming. Felix is inside the giant unicorn floatie and having the time of his life as Minho pushes him around the pool. Hyunjin thinks he may or may not be high with how much he’s giggling but that might just be Felix being Felix.

“Hey.”

Seungmin comes out with a tiny bottle of Yakult and an equally tiny straw stuck inside the cap just like Hyunjin likes it and plops down beside him. Seungmin’s already in shorts so he doesn’t struggle like Hyunjin did to roll up his pants. He hands the Yakult to Hyunjin and takes the empty carton of juice and puts it to the side.

Hyunjin sips on the drink slowly, letting it coat his tongue, which suddenly feels too dry.

Seungmin leans back on his arms and let his feet swish around in the water. “Are you planning to go inside?”

“Eyes hurt,” Hyunjin mumbles through the straw. He bites down on the plastic and sucks the drink through the flattened straw. “Whoever Changbin put in charge of the music is playing shitty songs too.”

Seungmin laughs a little at that, bumping their shoulders together. “Sorry but sad breakup songs aren’t exactly the mood for a party.”

Hyunjin shrugs. The bottle is empty so Hyunjin pulls the straw out and licks the remaining Yakult off it before wiggling it up and down between his teeth. “I might crash in one of the rooms upstairs. I’m getting tired.”

“Text me if you do. I’ll come find you after this thing is over and I help Changbin clean.” Seungmin claps him on the shoulder and squeezes before getting up and disappearing back inside the house, probably to find his boyfriend and make sure Changbin isn’t doing questionable things. The water dripping off Seungmin’s legs leaves puddles that soak into Hyunjin’s jeans and make them stick to his skin.

He clamps down harder on the helpless straw in his mouth to the point his jaw begins to hurt before pulling his legs out of the water, putting his leather jacket back on, and walking barefoot on the concrete to the back door. He pulls the screen door to the side and steps inside the house. He stands there for a while on the mat, for his feet to dry and to find the optimal route to the trash and then to the stairs that would minimize his chances of running into someone he doesn’t want to meet.

Why is he here then if not to socialize and get fucked up on the suspiciously large amount of alcohol Seo Changbin managed to get his hands on? Hyunjin doesn’t know himself. The night started off well enough. He was actually excited to go, even putting on nice jeans and busting out the new leather jacket he bought while out with Seungmin at the mall. It wasn’t until he got to Changbin’s house that he realized how out of place he felt, though he looked like he belonged. So while Seungmin was bringing him everywhere and introducing him to everyone, Hyunjin’s mind was millions of miles away. He smiled, he waved, he said hello, but Hyunjin only remembers finding the juice carton in the back of Changbin’s fridge and wandering into the backyard.

“I don’t know how people think Hwang Hyunjin standing there with his jeans up to his knees and a straw in his mouth is attractive, but that is a thing apparently.”

Hyunjin blinks and finds Jeongin holding a cup filled to the brim with something that definitely does not look like a wholesome drink. “You’re a baby, why are you drinking that?”

Jeongin grins. “It’s apple cider. It’s foolproof, no one will offer me anything.”

“Oh,” Hyunjin says simply.

“I literally walked past three different girls who called you cute while you were zoning out. I thought you looked dumb so I’ve come to save you and bring you somewhere else.” Jeongin loops an arm around Hyunjin’s and tugs him away from the mat.

Changbin’s speaker system must have cost a shit ton because Hyunjin can feel the bass of this too loud EDM vibrating his bones.

“Where are we going?” he asked dazedly.

“Taking you to a room upstairs since Seungmin said you were sleepy. I’m not sure how you’re going to sleep with this music though.”

Hyunjin is about to say something about him being able to find a room himself but someone bumps into Jeongin and starts up a conversation that does not look like is going to end anytime soon. Hyunjin slowly unwraps Jeongin’s arm from his and ventures up the stairs on his own.

The first door he opens is Changbin’s room, but it feels weird to be sleeping in his best friend’s boyfriend’s room. However, he does take a moment to look around him, smiling softly when he sees that the largest photo in the room is one of Changbin and Seungmin at the elder’s graduation. There are smaller ones hung around it, and Hyunjin takes a step into the room to get a better look. It’s a clean room, walls painted the generic white. It doesn’t feel like Changbin’s vibe but Hyunjin thinks it’s because Seungmin likes to clean things up for him and organize things his way.

Hyunjin scoots a little closer, hips pressed against Changbin’s desk as he leans over to squint at the photos. There are a handful of photos with Changbin and his family and then a lot more with Seungmin, but there are also a few pictures he is in. But there is one that makes him stop and stare and his mind go blank.

Jisung is squished in the middle of Changbin and Chan, one hand on either of their cheeks as they celebrate someone’s birthday. Jisung is smiling as wide as he always does, like raw, unfiltered sunshine.

Hyunjin looks away before he can dawdle more on thoughts of Jisung’s smile and _Jisung_ in particular. He flicks the light off as he leaves, his tongue dry again and craving for another drink.

In hindsight, Hyunjin thinks there’s no outrunning Jisung. And no matter how much he tries to deny that he’s been over Jisung long, long ago, Seungmin would say that his music playlist says otherwise. And if Hyunjin were to bring up the fact that there was nothing there to begin with, Seungmin would ask him why he always tries to change the subject whenever Jisung was brought up.

So even after three years of trying to outrun Jisung and his voice and his smile and his heart and everything Jisung was, Hyunjin is doomed to lose.

Hyunjin belatedly realizes his jeans are still at his knees when he reappears in the kitchen, rummaging through the fridge for something to drink that was still sealed. He finds another juice box and pulls it out, making quick work of stabbing the straw through the little foil circle and sipping contentedly. With the plastic straw between his teeth, Hyunjin uses one foot to push the rolled-up pants down from his knees. It’s kind of struggle as he holds onto the refrigerator handle for balance with one hand and his juice box with the other, but he somehow makes it work.

The box is half empty when he finishes the arduous task of smoothing out damp jeans and Hyunjin does another sweep of the room to see if he can weave his way through and find someone he trusts to take him home.

And then he sees him.

Jisung still looks like he did when they were freshmen but Hyunjin can see how the years have worn him out. There are dark rings under his eyes and his lips are chewed to the point where Hyunjin thinks it might start bleeding if Jisung were to graze them with his teeth. He’s covering up his laugh, though Hyunjin belatedly thinks is odd because Jisung always laughed with his whole heart yet Hyunjin doesn’t even see teeth peeking out from between chapped lips.

He swallows thickly, willing himself to look away. Away from Jisung and any lingering feelings he has.

But he can’t. Because Jisung turns his head at that moment and locks eyes with Hyunjin from across the room and Hyunjin swears he sees them sparkle just like the first time. His heart leaps up to his throat and his mind goes blank.

Jisung blinks at him before raising his eyebrows and breaking out in a soft smile, hand dropping to his side. His eyes curve slightly, and the corners of his lips lift up. There’s a lot to be said about the way fatigue still clings onto him like a second skin yet he still manages to convey the sincerity in such an effortless act.

Hyunjin’s mouth parts, straw slipping out from between his lips like he wants to say something dumb like “hello” when Jisung can’t even hear him. But his view is suddenly obscured by a familiar figure standing right in front of him. Kim Sejoon is heading in Jisung’s direction and Hyunjin remembers exactly why he can’t even say something as trivial as a “hello.”

Jisung is no longer in his life. Was barely to begin with. Yet he still managed to leave a large void in Hyunjin’s chest in the short time that he was. It’s a bit of a mystery but Hyunjin thinks that maybe it’s because Jisung was just that easy to love.

After relocating himself to avoid confrontation, Jisung finds that Hyunjin is gone from the kitchen.

Hyunjin watches from where he’s perched on the top step of the stairs as Jisung tiptoes to look over the sea of people, searching for someone. There is vague hope that it’s him, but he chases that idea away when he sees Sejoon weave his way to Jisung’s side. Hyunjin blows bubbles into his juice box. All of a sudden, he can’t take the sweetness anymore.

Seungmin finds Hyunjin sitting on the floor at the foot of Changbin’s bed with a not wholesome drink in his hands. His juice bottle is discarded to the side, head of the straw bit through and barely hanging with a tiny bit of plastic. Hyunjin looks like he’s been crying, though there are no tears staining his cheeks and he’s not even sniffling. But the green bottle of soju cradled in his hands like a precious treasure betrays Hyunjin’s inner battles and Seungmin feels his heart ache at the sight of Hyunjin barely holding himself together.

It’s like freshman year all over again, except this time Hyunjin looks even more broken than he did back then. Freshman year Hyunjin was a follower of the rules, backing away at the prospect of trouble and conflict. Senior year Hyunjin is more reckless because he can be. Has the means to. A license to drive away. An ID to buy non-wholesome drinks. A will to do things to forget. It’s the last one that’s the most dangerous.

“Hey.”

Hyunjin’s eyes flicker from the floor to Seungmin. “Oh. Hey, Seungmin. I hope you don’t mind I’m in here.”

Seungmin shakes his head. “It’s fine.” When he sits down beside Hyunjin, the other immediately drops his head to rest on his shoulder. The hand not holding the glass bottle is trembling in his lap, so Seungmin wraps his fingers around it in hopes to quell the shaking. “Do you want to talk about it?” he whispers.

The voice that leaves Hyunjin is uncharacteristically small. “I want to go home.”

“When did you get the drink?”

“Found it somewhere. Wasn’t so hard.”

“How much did you drink?”

Hyunjin holds up the bottle. “Not so much. I don’t like the taste.”

The fact that it’s only half empty elicits a relieved sigh from Seungmin. “Why are you drinking? You never drink.”

Hyunjin fixates on the way Seungmin’s thumb glides over the skin on the back of his hand. Soothing, circular motions that remind him of what he used to do when he held Jisung’s hand. Repetitive swirls of infinity signs. “Do you ever regret something so much you feel like it’s eating you from the inside?”

Seungmin’s thumb stutters to a halt. Time stops.

“I saw Jisung,” Hyunjin murmurs.

“Oh.”

“I want to go home, Seungminnie.”

“Okay. I’ll take you.” Seungmin squeezes Hyunjin’s hand before letting go. He takes the juice box as he leaves, frowning at the chewed through straw but not commenting.

Hyunjin’s fingertips tingle from loss of contact and he curls it into a fist. He nods when Seungmin says, “meet you downstairs?” and tucks his fist into a pocket in his leather jacket. There’s a straw wrapper in there that rubs against his knuckles. It crinkles when he clenches it in his hand.

Seungmin has already disappeared to find his car keys and to probably inform his boyfriend of his departure, but Hyunjin takes his time leaving. He spares another glance at the photo with Jisung on Changbin’s wall. It’s a mistake.

The bottle in his hand feels heavier, more obvious now that there is a fresh reminder of why he has it in the first place. But the bitterness he tastes and feels is overwhelming and Hyunjin knows he doesn’t need more of it. It would be a waste to throw it away though and finding someone to give his half-finished bottle shouldn’t be too hard when everyone here is probably itching to get shitfaced or at least halfway there. Changbin knows how to throw a party with all the right things but doesn’t mean Hyunjin has to enjoy it.

He flicks the light off as he leaves and closes the door behind him once he is back in the hallway. He takes a moment, buffering as he formulates a plan on how to tackle this, when he hears voices from further down the hall. He squints at the source while trying to determine if they’d enjoy the drink in his hand and not mind that his lips were all over the rim of the bottle.

Yet, for the hundredth time that night, Hyunjin regrets that simple act. Because the voices are none other than Jisung and his boyfriend. Hyunjin swallows his disappointment and bites his lip to stifle the burning feeling that’s crawling up this throat.

Sejoon has Jisung pressed against the wall, caged in between his arms and staring down at the shorter male. It shouldn’t concern him what they’re doing, but Hyunjin can’t help but feel there’s something off with the whole scene. Jisung seems smaller, even more so than he already is, and the way his shoulders are hunched over and his gaze is held steady on the floor makes it look like a scolded child rather than an adult on the receiving end of his boyfriend’s affections.

Hyunjin takes a hesitant step back with the intention of turning away and pretending like this doesn’t affect him, when he sees Sejoon grab Jisung’s chin and jerk it upwards forcefully. Panic floods his veins when Jisung turns his head to pull away from the touch and they lock eyes. Hyunjin doesn’t know if the panic is because he might get beaten to pulp by Sejoon because he’s intruding or because Jisung is hurt or because Jisung is looking at him like he’s an oasis in the desert. His last hope.

Fuck.

“Hyunjin, ready to go?” Seungmin’s voice is tinny and distant in his ears. “Woah, what’s going on here?”

Hyunjin doesn’t know how to answer because he isn’t sure himself. Jisung is still holding his gaze, eyes pleading and tired like they never were before. This isn’t right, but it’s not his place to meddle. Never his place.

“I’m going to get Changbin. I don’t think Sejoon was invited,” he hears Seungmin say.

Then it’s just him again, staring as Jisung pushes roaming hands away halfheartedly. It’s a weak gesture, like he doesn’t have the strength to or too scared to. Hyunjin has a creeping feeling that it’s the latter and it makes him sick. He grips the bottle tighter in his hand, like it would be enough to ground him since all he can feel is rage bubbling in his stomach. Jisung doesn’t deserve this. Not Jisung. Sweet, blinding, bright, loving Jisung.

And when he sees Sejoon’s hand raise with the intention to hurt, Hyunjin sees red. The flurry of footsteps behind him and a desperate call of, “Hyunjin, wait–” is too late to stop him. Jisung lets out a surprised yelp when Sejoon is literally ripped away from him but Hyunjin doesn’t wait, doesn’t hesitate to launch a punch straight across Sejoon’s jaw with the soju bottle and send him sprawling onto Changbin’s carpeted hallway. He drops the bottle, its contents spilling out on the floor and he curls his now empty hand into a fist, nails digging crescents into the meat of his palm.

“Hyunjin, stop!” Seungmin’s hand on his arm is easily brushed off and Hyunjin lunges forward again, ready to straddle the man on the floor and pummel the shit out of his face for touching Jisung like that. For hurting Jisung. For scaring Jisung.

For Jisung.

There is this inexplicable feeling he gets when someone wraps himself across his back, arms locking in place around his middle and holding him back. He knows exactly who it is, but he struggles for the hell of it. Because he wants to give back the pain Sejoon caused in tenfold. That despicable excuse of a person clutching his jaw as Changbin drags him up by the collar and shakes him like a rag doll.

“You’re not supposed to be here. I told you to stay away from Jisung, asshole,” Changbin hisses.

“Hyunjin, calm down. He’s okay.” Seungmin is in front of him now, blocking his view of Sejoon getting dragged out by Changbin and bringing everything back to the present. Jisung is still clutching onto him, breaths ragged as he cries softly. Hyunjin’s chest heaves with the effort to steady his breathing. There are tingles running through his skin, buzzing in his veins. Seungmin’s cool hands on his burning skin shocks him enough to get him to focus. “I’m going to check on Changbin. Take care of him.” Seungmin juts his chin to the smaller figure behind Hyunjin’s back. “Let me know when you’re ready to go home,” he says in a quieter voice. He waits two beats after Hyunjin nods jerkily before leaving.

The hallway is silent again but there are people peeking from the stairs while murmuring amongst themselves. They’ve made quite a scene but, for now, the world revolves around Hyunjin and Jisung alone.

Jisung is still shaking, the small actions magnified by how tiny he looks hunched over the sink in Changbin’s bathroom. His hands are gripping sides of it and he looks like he’s about to pass out any second.

“Hey.”

Jisung flinches with his whole body in a way Hyunjin didn’t think was possible. “Yeah?” he manages to squeak. He lifts his head just enough to meet eyes with Hyunjin through the mirror.

“You should sit.” Hyunjin pulls the toilet seat cover down and gingerly puts two hands on Jisung’s shoulders to guide him there. “Are you okay?” But after he says them, he realizes how dumb he sounds because Jisung is definitely not okay from the way he sounds close to another fresh round of tears. “Wait don’t answer that.”

Jisung lets out a little choked laugh, leaning over and propping his elbows on his thighs and burying his head in his hands. “Ah, this was the biggest mistake of my life.”

Hyunjin feels the need to squat down to Jisung’s level and tell him that it’ll be okay, even though the words might sound a little dull. So he does, in true Hyunjin fashion. He ends up kneeing one of Jisung’s arms and making the other look up. There are tears running down his hollow cheeks and clinging onto his eyelashes. An image of freshman year Jisung, bright, happy, beautiful Jisung, appears in Hyunjin’s mind and disappears just as fast.

“I’m here now,” he says quietly. Hyunjin is lower than Jisung now that he’s kneeling on the tiled floor. He peers up through Jisung’s long bangs in search of his eyes. “You’re okay.”

“I don’t want to cry but they just keep coming.” Jisung rubs his eyes with a fist, letting out frustrated little noises. “Is your hand okay?”

“Don’t worry about me,” Hyunjin scolds lightly. “You’re still shaking. Just breathe.” After a moment of hesitance, Hyunjin rests his palms on Jisung’s knees, large hands covering the expanse of Jisung’s skin that is exposed under ripped jeans. “Do you want to go home too? I’ll ask Seungmin to take you with us.”

Jisung shakes his head, voice breaking as he speaks. “He might find me there. My roommates aren’t home.”

Hyunjin sucks in a sharp breath. The brief moment in the hallway where he contemplated leaving feels so long ago now that they’re here. Reality sets in. “Does he hurt you?” Hyunjin whispers after the silence between them stretches for too long.

Jisung’s eyes are glossy and red when he lifts his hands from them. Hyunjin pushes the urge to brush Jisung’s bangs to the side to he can see them clearly away when Jisung lowers his head again to hide behind the thin veil. “Sometimes. When we were together,” Jisung answers haltingly. He wraps his arms around his middle in a poor attempt to comfort himself. “I’ve managed to avoid him for all of senior year so far, but I guess he found out about this party.”

Hyunjin feels his eye twitch. “I thought you hated him.”

If there was a way to take back words spoken, to simply pluck them out of the air and pretend like they never existed in the first place, Hyunjin would do it in a heartbeat. The way Jisung flinches when he speaks adds to the dull ache from the lump in his throat. His hands slide off Jisung’s knees and fall into his lap. “Jisung?”

Jisung merely shakes his head, leaning over so that his forehead nearly touches his knees. “Not right now,” he whimpers. The words hang in the air, heavy around Hyunjin’s head, before they dissipate like smoke.

“Come back to my place.”

Jisung lets out a breathy sigh when Hyunjin cards his fingers through his hair, gentle and soothing. “Okay.”

Seungmin glances through the rearview mirror when he hears hushed whispers from the back seat. Jisung has his head on Hyunjin’s shoulder, their hands wrapped around each other’s on Hyunjin’s lap. While his eyes are closed, Jisung’s lips are still moving, the only sign that he is awake.

Hyunjin looks like he is holding the world in his hands. When Hyunjin catches Seungmin’s eyes in the mirror, he allows himself a small smile before ducking his head and brushing his lips over Jisung’s temple.

There’s something vulnerable in the way Jisung stares at his shoes as he stands in Hyunjin’s doorway. He feels like an intruder, someone foreign. Like he’s on the wrong side of the battlefield when the battle hasn’t even begun.

“Jisung?”

“Yeah?”

“You can come in.”

Jisung opens his mouth to speak, though no words come out. He squeezes his eyes shut and opens them again slowly when he feels Hyunjin’s fingers unravel his shoelaces. Hyunjin slips his Vans off his feet, smiling softly up at Jisung when he’s done.

“He won’t find you here, if that’s what you’re scared of. If he does, I’ll punch him again and you can’t stop me.”

The corners of Jisung’s lip lifts just enough to be considered a smile. “That’s not what I’m scared of.” Jisung’s eyes stay locked on Hyunjin’s even as he stands. He has to tilt his head back a little to accommodate to Hyunjin’s height but it’s different looking up at someone who makes you feel like a person rather than someone who makes you feel insignificant.

Hyunjin raises an eyebrow. “Then what?”

“I’m scared that if you ask me to sleep, I’ll wake up and it’ll all be a dream.”

Hyunjin wants a word that is able to describe the feeling in his chest, pumping through his body, and swirling around in his head. Instead, he takes Jisung’s hand, tracing infinity signs into his skin like he used to. A silent promise of forever. Infinitely.

He’s sure Jisung can hear the pounding of his heart, the quick _thump-thump-thump_ beneath his skin, when he pulls Jisung in to hold in his arms. Jisung’s arm wraps loosely around his waist, pressing their bodies close as he leans on Hyunjin’s chest. His lips brush against the shell of Jisung’s ear when he speaks, but the feather light touches don’t faze him at all. “I’m just as scared as you are. That if I let you out of my sight that you’ll leave.”

Jisung laughs lowly. And while it’s not even a fraction of the happiness that he exuded during freshman year, Hyunjin takes pride that at least he’s made Jisung feel light enough to be able to laugh.

“We’re both cowards,” Jisung says. He lifts his head, staring at Hyunjin with pure adoration in eyes and Hyunjin feels his knees go weak at the sight. “Three years of hiding and now we’re here and we can’t let go.” His eyes roam Hyunjin’s features, staring with such intensity as if to memorize every little detail etched onto Hyunjin’s skin. “Are you sure you want me to stay? You won’t regret?”

For a moment, he wavers. Hyunjin thinks of the words uttered behind closed doors that hurt and pierced his skin from the one person that promised to never do such a thing. He thinks of how Jisung seemed to move on so fast, how it indicated that what they had was never real enough for him to stay anyway. Finally, he thinks of the way Jisung held onto him to hold him back from beating Sejoon into a pulp and how he refused to let go even after Hyunjin had stilled.

Hyunjin doesn’t know if his heart will be broken again because of this blind trust, but Jisung is looking at him with such sincerity, eyes glittering like twinkling stars, and Hyunjin throws all caution to the wind.

“Not anymore.”

Two plain words, yet they’re enough to light Jisung up like the world hasn’t beaten him down.

Hyunjin wakes to the sound of Jisung humming under his breath, mouthing lyrics that come out in quiet whispers as he traces shapes on Hyunjin’s arm. His arm should have gone numb from bearing the weight of Jisung’s head all night but it hasn’t. He’s not sure if it means that Jisung left his side at one point but based on the way their legs are tangled together under Hyunjin’s blanket, that doesn’t seem to be the case.

“Jisung?”

Jisung lets out a squeak of surprise. “You’re awake?” He turns around, kicking the blanket off his legs as he does so, and faces Hyunjin. “Good morning.”

“You’re never awake this early,” Hyunjin comments.

Jisung shrugs, scrunching his nose and then rubbing it with a finger. “I started taking early classes so I’m up by seven every day. Freshman year Jisung is quaking.”

They burst into a fit of quiet laughter, and before he realizes it, Jisung is nosing against his jaw and a hair’s breadth away from his lips. Hyunjin stills, fingers twitching as they flop uselessly off the side of the bed. He doesn’t want to move, in case Jisung moves and they do something cliché like accidently kiss. “Jisung? We should talk things out.”

There is a hum of acknowledgement before Hyunjin feels Jisung’s lips against his jaw, barely applying pressure. “Okay.” And then he pulls away, sitting up and getting out of Hyunjin’s bed. “Can I take a shower?”

“Yeah, I’ll get you a spare towel and something to change into.”

“It’s okay, I’ll just wear this again.”

The way the words spill from his lips like they’ve done this hundreds of times before sends a warm tingle down Hyunjin’s spine. It’s oddly domestic in a way, and way too comfortable for two people who haven’t spoken in years, but it feels right. It’s moments like these that Hyunjin dreams of when he misses Jisung on especially lonely nights. Misses the way they fit together like pieces of a puzzle and slot against each other easily like a key in a lock. Misses the way Jisung smiles and beams and lights up Hyunjin’s tiny world like he is the only one who exists.

Three years is a long time to forget, to get over something as petty as an insult that he wasn’t meant to hear in the first place, but this is Jisung Hyunjin is dealing with, and nothing was ever easy about Jisung. Jisung was everything and anything and Hyunjin was but an insignificant speck of dust in the swirling mass of infinite universe that Jisung embodied.

“Hyunjin, I need a towel!”

He blinks once, twice.

This is now, not three years ago. And things have changed. Hopefully.

After Hyunjin squeezes his way into the bathroom to brush his teeth and hand Jisung a towel, he heads off to eat breakfast. Jisung emerges from the shower a good twenty minutes later with Hyunjin’s clothes hanging off his body. He didn’t notice it last night since they basically knocked out after changing, but it’s funny now when they’re both awake enough to process exactly what situation they’re in. Hyunjin can pull it off the one size larger aesthetic since he does it on purpose but Jisung looks like he’s drowning in the t-shirt and joggers and this moment might go down as one of Hyunjin’s favorite memories of Jisung. He almost snorts milk up his nose when Jisung appears, not too happy about the situation but at least he doesn’t look like he's about to cry or already crying for that matter. Hyunjin doesn’t think he can take another moment of Jisung’s tears.

“Don’t laugh at me. They were comfortable to sleep in but I might trip and fall because you have super long legs.”

Hyunjin shakes his head, dropping his spoon in his bowl of Fruit Loops and raising his hands in mock surrender. “I forget you’re tiny.”

Jisung ignores the jab at his height and ruffles his hair with the towel around his neck. He slumps onto the table, chin resting on his arm as he sighs. Hyunjin thinks he still looks pretty tired, but the creases that would deepen when Jisung frowned aren’t as obvious as they were the night before. It’s improvement, one step closer to the Jisung he remembers and fell in love with.

He’s still in love with Jisung now, there’s no point in denying, but Jisung three years ago was someone different.

“I should probably call Changbin. Tell him I’m okay,” Jisung murmurs. He opens his eyes to stare fondly at Hyunjin eating his cereal. “And then we should talk. About us.”

“What about last night?”

“Us first.”

Hyunjin acquiesces. “Do you want cereal too?”

“I’m okay.” There is contentment in his eyes as he watches Hyunjin eat. This is simple, innocent, like the naivety of first year strangers who became dormmates coincidentally. Jisung swipes his tongue over his lower lip to wet it before tucking it between his teeth. He had missed this. Watching Hyunjin do mundane things like eat cereal and get milk all over the table. Missed the way they came together and easily just clicked. He doesn’t know where it all went wrong. “Hyunjin?”

“Yeah?” Hyunjin’s eyes widen a fraction, eyebrows raising to show his attention.

“I think I still have feelings for you.”

Jisung watches as Hyunjin’s face morphs into one of relief and then confusion and then disbelief. It’s a comical kind of act, three expressions in the span of a few seconds, but Hyunjin looks dead serious and Jisung knows that it’s all or nothing now. There’s no point in hiding anymore when he can feel that Hyunjin reciprocates whatever he’s feeling. “Correction. I do still have feelings for you.” He lifts his head off his arm, fingers reaching out to seek the warmth that only Hyunjin can provide and lets out a bated breath when Hyunjin lets him slot their fingers together. “I just thought I’d let you mull it over before we talk.”

Hyunjin draws shapes into the back of his hand, the same one over and over. Starting from the left, rising upwards and then dipping down towards the right and back up again, meeting somewhere in the middle and returning to where it started. Infinity.

He looks from their joined hands to Hyunjin’s eyes and sees nothing but warmth, affection, and love staring back at him through familiar chocolate eyes.

And Jisung knows, knows that Hyunjin feels the same. That’s enough for him.

Jisung pulls his hand away, already missing the feeling of Hyunjin’s fingers between the gaps that now feel too empty. “I’ll be back.”

Hyunjin nods and watches him disappear down the hall. Because of how small his apartment is, he can make out bits of Jisung’s phone call with Changbin. His voice gets louder and then softer in regular intervals and Hyunjin conjures up an image of Jisung shuffling around in his room because he can’t sit still.

“No, please tell Chan he does not have to drive two hours to fight Sejoon for me. I’m pretty sure Hyunjin did a deal with him last night.”

Hyunjin smiles without meaning to and stands up from the table. He downs the rest of the sweet milk from the cereal and takes his time washing the bowl. He’s drying his hands when he feels Jisung rest his chin on his shoulders. “You’re done?”

“Yeah,” comes Jisung’s soft reply. He’s in a lighter mood, less driven by sleepiness and heavy memories, but there is still an uncharacteristic seriousness about him that makes Hyunjin nervous. “Do you want to shower before we talk?” His hands rest gently on Hyunjin’s waist, a motion that feels more like hesitancy than anything else. “Changbin said he’ll come pick me up after we’re done.”

“I-I could take you,” Hyunjin says, faltering when he feels Jisung change positions to rest his forehead on his back instead.

Jisung hums. “I think it’s better like this. In case things fall through.”

The mere thought of it makes Hyunjin’s breath quicken. Did Jisung really think they didn’t have a chance? Was he too dumb to think straight about all of this?

“Hyunjinnie?”

“Let me shower first,” Hyunjin says quickly. He covers Jisung’s hands with his own and pushes them away, a gesture Jisung recognizes as discomfort.

He recoils. “Hyunjin?”

“Just give me fifteen, okay?”

“Hyunjin, did I say something?”

But Hyunjin is already off, and Jisung is left with a hollow feeling in his chest and an overwhelming urge to throw up.

The water is already warm from Jisung’s shower but Hyunjin cranks up the cold dial and squats on the slick floor as the water changes. Maybe if he gets cold enough, he’ll shock himself into thinking straight again. To think clearly about everything that’s happened within the past twelve hours and not let past feelings cloud his judgement. He doesn’t think when it comes to Jisung because Jisung was always able to do that to him, even when they were freshmen sleeping in separate beds and having silent conversations from top bunk to top bunk. Jisung just makes him feel, and Hyunjin feeds off those feelings.

It was like they were in a different world back then, but Hyunjin didn’t stop to think that they might be in different _worlds_ now. Because within three years, Jisung has stopped smiling with his being and started giving halfhearted lip tilts instead, and he went and fell in love with a douchebag and left Hyunjin feeling like a toy forgotten at the playground.

And he doesn’t want to cry, not when he’s about to face Jisung again in a few minutes, but this is what he felt three years ago when the person he trusted most hit him right where it hurt and all he felt was betrayal. This wasn’t betrayal, but it was close. Jisung didn’t believe him and how real his feelings were, and that hurt more than a few words uttered behind closed doors could.

A soft rap on the door, hesitant like everything Jisung seems to do now, and Jisung muffled voice filters in through the relentless cold rain. “Hyunjin, it’s been twenty. Are you okay?”

Shit. Hyunjin turns off the dial. His lip trembles and his hands are shaky from the cold. “Yeah. Sorry, I’ll be out.”

There’s this awkward silence when Hyunjin steps out of the shower and grabs a towel to dry himself off, teeth chattering the entire time. One look in the mirror has him silently cursing. How was he supposed to explain why he has purple lips to Jisung?

“Fuck it,” he mumbles to himself. He drapes a towel around his neck to catch the water dripping from his hair and changes back into his pajamas.

When he opens the door, he doesn’t expect Jisung to be standing there, chewing on his lip as he shifts his weight nervously from foot to foot.

“Jisung, stop that. You’re bleeding.”

Jisung winces. “Sorry.” He licks his lower lip and ducks his head, hiding behind his too long bangs.

It’s become a habit, Hyunjin thinks, to just curl into himself and pretend like he’s fine. This isn’t the Jisung he remembers. Hyunjin steps back into the bathroom and finds his half-used tub Vaseline in the cabinet behind the mirror. “Come here,” he says in a quieter voice. He tilts Jisung’s chin up with a finger and pops open the top to the tub. “Biting your lips is a bad habit,” he chides with no malice.

“Taking super cold showers is a bad habit,” Jisung mumbles, trying not to move as Hyunjin dabs his lips with a finger. “Your lips are purple.”

Hyunjin lets out a breathy chuckle but doesn’t retort.

“Are you mad at me?” Jisung sounds like a scolded child and it’s the way he’s wringing his hands together and fidgeting that makes Hyunjin concerned.

He keeps thinking about how three years is ample time to change but he can’t help but make comparisons to old Jisung. It’s not like his feelings have altered in any way in the span of a few hours – how could they when Jisung has been in the back of his mind all throughout college – but he can tell that there is more to the Jisung he is faced with now. Hyunjin drops his hands when he finishes, recapping the tub and putting it away.

“Hyunjin?”

“Do you have feelings for me because you know I still like you or because I beat up your ex?” Hyunjin tenses his jaw, grinding his teeth together and then immediately stopping the action when he realizes what he’s doing.

“Hyunjin, what? This has nothing to do with that.”

Hyunjin turns the faucet on to wash his hands. He scrubs relentlessly under cold water, trying to clear his mind as he focuses on the repetitive motion. His heart aches, and he’s taken to biting his own lip to avoid snapping.

“You said you wouldn’t regret,” Jisung mutters. “I’m an idiot for believing.”

“You can’t pin this on me, Jisung.” Fuck. That was the wrong thing to say because Jisung looks like he’s been slapped. Hyunjin turns off the water, staring at Jisung’s hair in the corner of the mirror.

Jisung scoffs. “Of course. It’s my fault. It always is. Freshman year. Now.” He lets out a shaky exhale, shoving his hands into the pockets of his pair of joggers. “I’m just going to go home. I don’t think we have anything to talk about.”

“Wait, Jisung–”

“I’ve waited three years for an explanation about what I did wrong to make you push me away. I asked Felix, I asked Seungmin, I asked _anyone_ who bothered to care to explain to me what I did wrong, and no one could answer. I spent three years thinking you hated me, I didn’t know why!” Jisung’s breath comes out in irregular puffs, like he’s trying to control himself, and his eyes are red around the edges again. “I hated myself for hurting you even though I didn’t know what I did because I let this amazing person walk out of my life.”

Each word, each frustrated syllable, pierces Hyunjin’s skin like a knife. And when Jisung raises a fist to rub at his eyes, teeth biting into the broken skin of his lower lip yet again, Hyunjin lets himself crumble too.

“I trusted you and you hurt me.”

“Doing what? What did I do, Hyunjin?”

“I heard you talking to Felix that one day. About me. I heard what you said. Do you know how much it hurts to spill all of your insecurities to the boy that you like only to have him throw it back at you behind your back?”

“Hyunjin, what are you even talking about?”

A single tear rolls down his cheek but Hyunjin doesn’t even want to reach and wipe it off because he knows more will come. “Just go then. If you don’t even care anymore.”

Jisung lets out a broken noise. “And to think you’ve changed.”

_And to think we’ve changed._

When Jisung leaves, Seungmin arrives. It’s like an exchange, though he isn’t sure if it’s a welcome one. Hyunjin has opened up a new case of juice boxes and has a straw in his mouth as he does his laundry. There’s no drink on the other end, just plastic in his mouth to chew on. Dull and flat.

“Did you guys fight?”

Hyunjin grimaces, slamming the door to the washing machine with extra force. He turns the machine on, watching as the clothes Jisung borrowed begins to spin round and round through the glass door. “Couldn’t work things out,” he mumbles around the straw.

“What happened? You guys were fine last night.”

“That was last night, Seungminnie. I was clouded by emotions and he was desperate to get away. There is nothing to talk about between us.”

“Hyunjin, that’s bullshit and you know it.” Seungmin’s grip on his shoulder is tight. He can’t see it, but Seungmin’s face is probably pinched into some sort of disappointed frown. “I could see the hearts shooting out of your eyes when I drove you back last night.”

“Like I said,” Hyunjin huffs as he shakes Seungmin’s hand off his shoulder, “that was last night.”

“So you’re going to do this again? Run away from your problems instead of facing them head on? Stop being a fucking coward!”

Even though he’s now halfway down the hall, Seungmin’s voice is still loud in his ears. The words seem to echo and then fade into nothing. A coward? Probably. Is he going to do anything about it? No.

“Hwang Hyunjin!”

He pulls the straw from between clenched teeth. “He broke my fucking heart, alright? He hurt me back then and he hurt me now, and I’m just running away so I don’t have to go through all that again!” Hyunjin yells. “He took advantage of how much I was willing to trust him and he slapped me in the face with it. I am not,” Hyunjin pauses to wipe his eyes. “I am not falling for it again.”

Seungmin looks like he’s halfway between wanting to punch some sense into his best friend or pulling him into some sort of hug. Hyunjin doesn’t want any of it. “Can you leave? Please? I want to be alone.”

A long sigh leaves Seungmin’s lips. “You…you really are a coward.”

The loud slam of the door signals Seungmin’s departure, and Hyunjin slumps against the wall to cry.

Mondays mark new beginnings but Hyunjin feels like he’s holding onto the tendrils of yesterday in hopes that if he pulls hard enough, he’ll be able to take things back.

His first class of the day is a nine a.m. and Hyunjin can barely drag himself out of bed with how drained he feels. One look in the mirror tells him there’s no point in trying to salvage his looks, so he throws on a hoodie and drives to school in socks and slides. Felix gives him a weird look when he plops down in the seat next to him in their giant Korean history lecture hall, but he doesn’t say anything.

When their two hour-long lecture is over, Felix silently sends Hyunjin pictures of the notes he’s taken and shakes the sleeping boy awake. “Lunch? I’ll pay.”

Hyunjin shakes his head. “I think I’m going to head home. Thanks, though, for the offer and the notes.” He digs through his pockets for his keys but Felix’s hand on his arm stops him momentarily.

“What’s going on between you and Jisung?”

“Not this, Felix.”

“Last time I heard, Chan was thinking of driving two hours to beat _you_ up.”

Hyunjin laughs, a hollow, haunting sound. “Send him straight to my place then.”

“Hyunjin–”

“I’ll see you on Wednesday.”

“I don’t want a repeat of freshman year, Hyunjin. Can you guys be mature and talk this out? Hyunjin!”

The lecture hall fades away, along with everything else, when he sees Jisung standing at the other end of the long hallway outside the lecture hall. Jisung stares, gaze unwavering, until Hyunjin decides to take a singular step forward. He blinks then, and when he opens his eyes again, they’re staring somewhere else.

Hyunjin stops. He knows what that gesture means.

Even if he wants to, it’ll all be futile. They’re past the point of making up.

Two weeks later, Hyunjin finds himself at another party. Jeongin is the one who drags him along this time. Seungmin is still giving him the silent treatment, and Changbin is too busy dealing with Jisung to beat him up for Chan. Hyunjin supposes that if Seungmin wasn’t his best friend _and_ Changbin’s boyfriend, Hyunjin would have ended up with a black eye a long time ago. Felix has given up on trying to mend things from the outside. It doesn’t help that Hyunjin is still somewhat bitter about Felix’s involvement during freshman year, but he lets that slide. Felix isn’t the one at fault here.

Jeongin is the only one who hasn’t taken an obvious side – apart from Woojin since he’s also two hours away and Hyunjin hasn’t bothered to call his old RA to fill him in with the details. Jeongin is innocent as ever as his two friend groups feud but he knows a broken man when he sees one and has promised to not leave Hyunjin’s side tonight.

“I really don’t know how this is supposed to make me feel better.”

“It’s just something to take your mind off of things. Maybe drink a little, just to loosen up? We can leave as soon as you want,” Jeongin says.

“I drove us here, I am not drinking, Jeongin.”

Jeongin pouts. “Okay, fine. I’ll find you a juice box or something, jeez.”

Hyunjin lets Jeongin hook his arm around his own and drag him into the kitchen. The owner of the house doesn’t have many drinks to choose from, ones Hyunjin would consider drinking anyway, so they end up sitting outside on two lawn chairs they pushed up next to each other. Hyunjin’s mouth feels dry, and he’s sure there’s a gross sweat stain on the back of his white t-shirt, but Jeongin has been pulled into a conversation with another of his never-ending list of friends so Hyunjin is stuck here until further notice.

He leans over the armrests of the lawn chairs and whispers, “I’m going to take a nap in the car. Let me know when you’re done,” into Jeongin’s ear. The younger gives him an apologetic look.

“I’ll meet you out in five. Let me say bye to everyone.”

Hyunjin nods. He gets off the lawn chair and takes the side gate to leave. This party is considerably tamer than Changbin’s since the music can barely be heard through the closed front door. Hyunjin is about to unlock his car when he sees movement out of the corner of his eye.

“Look who’s here.”

“Shut up, Sejoon.”

“Where’s Jisung?”

“And why does that concern you?” Hyunjin stiffens at the name, gripping his phone so tight his knuckles turn white.

“Don’t use that tone on me, pretty boy. If you hit me again, it’s not me that’ll be getting kicked out.” Sejoon bares his teeth as he growls out the words, but he looks more like a wannabe puppy more than whatever ferocious animal he’s trying to imitate. Maybe not a puppy though because puppies don’t deserve that kind of slander.

Hyunjin scoffs. “That’s fine, I was planning to leave anyway.”

“I know he’s here.”

“And I don’t _care_.”

Sejoon grabs his collar, pulling tight and jerking him forward so his neck cranes at an uncomfortable angle. He pushes Hyunjin against his car and makes him lean back as he leans into Hyunjin’s personal space. “You think you’re all that now that you punched me once? Do you want to try again?” He crumples more of Hyunjin’s shirt in his fist and closes off more of Hyunjin’s airway. “Where is Jisung?”

“You’re so fucking annoying. I said I don’t know!” Hyunjin shoves Sejoon back with both hands but isn’t prepared for the white-hot pain that hits the left corner of his mouth. He thinks he tastes blood. 

Hyunjin pushes himself off his car and swings blindly. He’s full of rage, anger, irritation, and all of the negative emotions he’s bottled up since Jisung ended things for real two weeks ago outside his history lecture hall. It manifests in the form of swinging fists and giving Sejoon a black eye.

At one point, they end up on the grass of the front lawn, Sejoon spitting and yelling as Hyunjin straddles him and raises a fist.

“Hyunjin, stop!”

It’s that one moment of hesitance, a flicker of recognition and softening in Hyunjin’s eyes, that has Sejoon pushing Hyunjin off him and resuming the position Hyunjin previously occupied. “I’m going to ruin your pretty fucking face and then you won’t have anything going for you, Hwang Hyunjin,” he sneers. Sejoon presses a hand against Hyunjin’s windpipe, squeezing harder and harder with every passing second.

Even as Hyunjin scratches at Sejoon’s fingers, the pressure is unrelenting.

This might be it. He gets to see Sejoon’s ugly ass face as he loses consciousness. Fuck, what a sight. Hyunjin wishes he could have apologized to Jisung though, at least let him know that things could have been different. Even if they can’t be together, or even friends anymore, he wishes they could have least ended on a decent note. Fuck, fuck, fuck. He should have apologized first. Should have taken more steps instead of just that one. Should have tried.

And then it’s all gone. The weight. The pressure. The black spots in his blurry vision. Instead, there are hands on his cheeks, running through his hair, holding his head and placing them on something warm. Soft hands. Jisung’s hands.

“Hyunjin, Hyunjin, can you open your eyes for me? Please, please, please.”

Hyunjin sucks in a sharp breath and holds it just to feel air in his lungs again. He lets it out in an equally sharp puff, whining when his chest tightens in pain.

“I’m sorry, I should have let you explain things. I’m sorry I walked away.”

“Jisung, stop crying.” His voice sounds gross and scratchy, even to his own ears, and it hurts to speak, but he would do _anything_ to get Jisung to stop crying. Hyunjin forces himself to open his eyes and look up into Jisung’s.

Unfortunately, his words have the opposite intended effect because Jisung just seems to cry harder. His shoulders shake with every sob. “I thought he was going to choke you to death. I can’t _not_ cry.”

Hyunjin thinks that even through blurry vision and the shadows that are cast across the planes of Jisung’s face, Jisung lights up his world like no other. Under the tears that stain his cheeks and the fatigue that clings onto the fibers of his clothing, Jisung is still bright and loving and warm and everything that Hyunjin fell in love with. He lets out a shaky exhale. “Did I get him good this time?”

Jisung laughs through his tears and gives Hyunjin’s chest a halfhearted punch. Then he cradles Hyunjin’s head in his hands like a broken doll. “Chan’s dealing with him now. He won’t be good after that.”

Hyunjin doesn’t want to laugh because it hurts to, but he does anyway and regrets it right after. Jisung hiccups as he holds Hyunjin closer.

“We’ll talk. I won’t run away anymore. After you’re okay, I’ll talk even if you don’t want to hear it,” Jisung whispers against the skin of his forehead. His lips are soft, Hyunjin thinks, and the thought makes him smile. “I don’t want to regret it. Not talking and trying to make things work. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“Me too. I’m sorry too.” Hyunjin’s hand finds home around Jisung’s. “I won’t be a jerk. I’ll let you explain. I’ll explain too.”

Jisung nods. “Okay. Okay. I love you.”

His insides fill with bubbling happiness. Hyunjin closes his eyes. “I love you.”

Hyunjin hisses when Jisung dabs antiseptic on his split lip.

“Hold still.”

“It hurts.”

“Yeah, don’t be a baby about it. You hit him too.”

Hyunjin doesn’t think there’s a point in bickering when Jisung gives him the raised eyebrow look his mom used to give him when she knew he was hiding something. Instead, he resigns himself to the torture. He twitches whenever the sting gets overwhelming, but Jisung’s hand on his chin is always there to hold him steady.

“Is Chan going to beat me up too?”

Jisung lets out a quiet snort of laughter and ducks his head as if to hide it. “No, you saved him a lot of effort with Sejoon so he’ll let you go this time.”

“Are you saying he’ll beat me up next time?”

Jisung’s nose scrunch is enough to send Hyunjin’s heart racing and a blush rising up his cheeks. “Maybe.” He resumes cleaning up Hyunjin’s face, disappearing at one point to get an ice pack and wrapping a paper towel around it. “Hold this on your cheek. It’s going to bruise anyway but it’ll help.”

Hyunjin complies, wincing when the cold touches his skin. “You’re good at this stuff,” he murmurs.

Jisung is quiet as he kneels on the floor and packs things inside a plastic bag to toss. “I had to be,” is all he says.

Hyunjin’s fingers find Jisung’s on instinct, slipping in between the cracks like they’re mean to be there. The action causes Jisung to freeze. “Tell me about it?” It’s a suggestion, not a request. Jisung can ignore it if he wants to and he knows that. Hyunjin would never push.

There are one too many beats of silence and Hyunjin just hums in understanding. He begins to stroke shapes into Jisung’s hand with his thumb. He finishes with his first swirl when Jisung says, “It wasn’t all the time.” Hyunjin raises an eyebrow but doesn’t say anything. Jisung will at his own pace.

“It was nothing at first. He was just that kind of weird dude that I always told you about. When he found out we weren’t talking anymore, he made his move. There weren’t any glaring signs that he had issues, there was just something off. But I guess I found solace in somebody because you weren’t there anymore.”

It’s not an accusation, and Hyunjin doesn’t take it as one. Not when Jisung squeezes his hand to quell the insecurities in his mind.

“The first few months were fine. But once we were past that honeymoon phase and got comfortable, he got too comfortable. I didn’t want to rope Chan or Changbin into it because they were dealing with their own problems. I was with him for almost two years until I broke it off.”

“How much did he hurt you?” Hyunjin whispers. Tentative.

“Physically, the worst was probably a bruise on my face that didn’t go away for two weeks. He punched me like that.” Jisung lifts the icepack off Hyunjin’s face to caress the skin underneath it, red from the cold. “That was the last straw. I came to Changbin crying with a nosebleed and he called Chan to get my stuff from Sejoon’s apartment.”

“Wait, you lived with him?”

“Our plans to live together with Seungmin and Felix fell through remember? After…yeah.”

Hyunjin frowns when Jisung’s hand drops from his face. He opens his mouth to speak but Jisung beats him to it.

“Anyway, I found new roommates afterwards with Felix’s help. Been with them for almost a year now. Sejoon came by once but Felix let them know and they didn’t let him in. I haven’t seen him since until the party at Changbin’s. I was actually going to hide in Changbin’s room but I saw the light from under the door and then Seungmin going in and didn’t.”

“I was in there.”

“I know.” Jisung smiles softly, more with his eyes than anything else. It’s a tired sort of smile, like it takes a lot of effort. “I was scared. You ran away when we saw each other downstairs. I didn’t think you wanted to see me again.” His voice gets smaller and smaller with each word, and by the end of the sentence, he’s almost whispering. “Sejoon did a lot more than just give me bruises.”

Placing the icepack on the table, Hyunjin uses both hands to tug Jisung onto the sofa with him. The smaller ends up half on his lap, but it’s comfortable for the both of them. Jisung leans his head on Hyunjin’s chest, cheek pressed against his shirt. Hyunjin’s arm is around him, holding him close.

“I know there’s probably more, but you don’t have to tell me. It’s okay.”

Jisung hums, closing his eyes in contentment. “I’m fine. It’s just tiring to think about. I did a lot of running away and pushing things aside to deal with at a later time. It was instinct to do that to us too.” Jisung presses his hand against the right side of Hyunjin’s chest. “I don’t know. Sejoon did a lot of things that made me really insecure. I didn’t even realize how emotionally manipulative he was until after we broke up. I was super distraught after our fall out and he fed off all of my insecurities.”

It takes a moment for Hyunjin to recognize the shape Jisung is drawing on his skin but when he does, warmth blossoms from within him and spreads to the tips of his fingers.

“Did he ever say that he loved you?”

“All the time. I didn’t believe it after a while though. Not when he kept hurting me.”

“Would you believe it if I say it?”

There is a quiet gasp, and Jisung lifts his head to look at Hyunjin in the eyes. His eyes glint with amusement, a tinge of happiness underneath all the layers of sadness. “You said it earlier.”

“You did too.” Hyunjin memorizes the way Jisung’s eyes curve into crescents when he smiles. Etches it in his mind.

Jisung leans his head on Hyunjin’s chest again, rubbing his cheek against the fabric of his t-shirt. “I would. Because you’re Hyunjin,” he says simply.

Hyunjin can hear the smile as he speaks. He tightens his hold around Jisung’s narrow shoulders. “Then I love you.”

If Jisung forgot to cover the way he beamed, or if he chose not to, Hyunjin doesn’t comment. He cups Jisung’s cheek with his free hand, leaning close and brushing their noses together. Jisung giggles, quiet and demure like the person that he has become. Hyunjin reckons that he doesn’t mind the change, because three years is a long time for things to occur.

“That’s a lot of weight in those words, Hyunjin.”

“I know. I mean them though. Every word.”

For a moment, Jisung’s breath gets caught in his throat. He stares at where their lips are just a tilt of the head apart, looks at the gentle slope of Hyunjin’s nose and then meets Hyunjin’s eyes underneath long eyelashes. “No regrets? For real this time? Even after we’re done talking this all through?”

Hyunjin traces infinity onto Jisung’s cheek.

Jisung leans forward to connect them.

No words are needed.

There are certain things that sound better in his head. They make sense there, because he has his own logic to work through them in his own way. But when those things are spoken out loud, brought into existence outside of his own mind, Hyunjin has to admit that he’s kind of ridiculous sometimes.

Seungmin never fails to remind him, but his best friend’s bluntness has forged a second layer of thick skin that somehow Jisung gets under easily.

That’s Jisung’s power, Hyunjin guesses.

Underneath the questionable acts, Hyunjin is a stubborn, sensitive person who clings onto expectations and dreams more than reality. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. Only when he forgets that there are two sides to every story, and that his problems are merely half of reality. As they sit together on Hyunjin’s sofa, running their tongues across swollen lips and tasting the oily residue of Vaseline, Hyunjin finds himself rethinking a lot of his life choices. Specifically, the ones that deal with the – possible – love of his life.

“You said I had a dumb laugh and you knew I was insecure about my laugh.” The words come out mumbled, like he’s too embarrassed to say them out loud. His ears are burning underneath the curtain of hair that covers them.

Jisung has his face pinched up into a look of sheer disbelief. “I what?”

“I heard you! Talking to Felix one day in the dorm.”

There is a stretch of silence where Jisung racks his brain for a moment where he said such a thing. “I got nothing,” he confesses.

Hyunjin huffs, realizing how silly this all sounds now that he’s three years older. It’s petty and childish, but somehow it made sense in his head. Was reason enough to keep avoiding talking to Jisung and coming to better conclusions. “I came back early from class once and you and Felix were talking about me. I remember hearing you say, ‘I hate’ and then something with my name and then, ‘He has the dumbest laugh,’ and I got too upset and left.”

Jisung still looks confused as he processes the words. Realization comes in the form of a long sigh and two slow blinks. “Hyunjin, you really broke up with me because I said you had a dumb laugh?”

“We weren’t even together, so _technically_–”

“We were _basically_ together, and you didn’t even bother to ask me to clarify? You didn’t even hear the rest of my sentence!” Jisung punches him on the chest. It’s a lighthearted motion but the angry pout on his face tells Hyunjin that he means it a little bit.

“What?”

Jisung scoots back, putting more space between them even though he’s still sitting comfortably on Hyunjin’s lap. “You didn’t hear the entire thing.” There is a fond look in his eyes as he reaches out and strokes a hand through Hyunjin’s hair. “I said ‘I hate the way Hyunjin makes me feel. He has the dumbest laugh when he’s happy and it scares me that I’m this far into us when there is barely an us.’” Jisung’s hand travels from his hair to pinch his cheek instead. “You’re an idiot. I can’t believe you did this to us,” he scolds. “We could have been dating three years ago.”

Hyunjin is speechless because he really does sound like a certified idiot.

“I wanted to see you happy forever so I could keep hearing your dumb laugh but then I became your source of sadness and I didn’t want to do that to you,” Jisung continues. His voice is nearly a whisper. It’s something he’s adopted when he voices his inner, most precious thoughts.

Hyunjin doesn’t know if he’s happy to be able to hear those thoughts or hurt that this didn’t happen sooner. “I’m an idiot.”

“Yeah, you really are.” Jisung’s laughter is a welcome sound.

A smile blooms on his own lips as he leans into Jisung’s hand. “This idiot is sorry.”

“My idiot.”

Hyunjin laughs when Jisung wraps his arms around his neck and hugs him tight. “I fell so hard for you the first day we met that I dropped my entire life story onto you. I thought your conversation with Felix was you getting sick of me. I was so used to being that awkward kid and here I have the epitome of sunshine in the same room as me. How could I not be insecure?”

Jisung flushes at the compliment, burying his face in the side of Hyunjin’s neck. “You’re still an idiot.”

“I know, I know. Did I tell you? About how I walked into the dorm on move in day and met eyes with the most beautiful person on Earth?” Jisung lets out a choked noise at that, pawing at Hyunjin’s chest to get him to stop. Hyunjin doesn’t. “I fell in love with you at first sight and it was _bad. _When we started talking, I wouldn’t shut up about you to Seungmin. I depended on you so much for everyday things and I was so scared you were done with me when I heard you talking to Felix. I was so scared to talk to you. I couldn’t even ask for that gum you used to give me even though I really liked it. I started chewing on straws instead.”

“Wait, wait, wait. What?” Jisung has pulled away and is looking at him in sheer disbelief.

Hyunjin licks his lower lip and avoids eye contact. “You got me hooked to the gum you had in your bag all the time, but I was too scared to ask after we stopped talking. I’ve tried other flavors but it doesn’t hit the same.”

“So you developed an oral fixation because you didn’t want to talk to me?”

“I know I’m an idiot, stop making it obvious!”

“Hyunjin, you’re an idiot.”

“I know!”

Laughter melts together like music. Lips meet each other like they are one.

It’s interesting to experience how three years have gone by yet Hyunjin falls into a familiar routine with Jisung by his side. They’ve both changed yet they’re still the same. Jisung still lights up his world and loves with his entire being, but it’s a different type of love. Not physically nor with words. Silent, wordless, yet unrelenting. Somehow these words seem to describe Jisung well too.

Being the one to laugh out loud and the one to look to Jisung for approval whenever something amusing happens is kind of weird but Hyunjin thinks this isn’t so bad. He finds himself holding onto Jisung’s hands, looping their arms together, pulling him into a hug and just initiating contact in general. Jisung never protests. It’s like they’ve switched personalities, Hyunjin jokes sometimes. Whenever he does, Jisung just tweaks his nose and resumes whatever he’s doing.

All of the clinginess could be seen as making up for lost time, but Hyunjin likes to think of it as growth, though it does disappoint him that he wasn’t able to hold Jisung for the past three years and love him to his fullest ability. Hyunjin is the one that takes them out, offering rides and making plans when Jisung used to be the one that dragged him to try out any possible food place nearby during freshman year. The Hyunjin from three years ago could never.

But what hits him the most is the slow but steady rate in which Jisung is returning to the Jisung he knew. It’s proof that their relationship is real. That things are changing, for good this time. Not creating distance. And it’s not to say he doesn’t love Jisung for who he is now; he’s not holding onto past Jisung and projecting those memories onto current Jisung. Loving this Jisung is like loving a new person and Hyunjin is okay with that. But there are moments where he sees glimpses of the one he knew, happy, bright, epitome-of-the-word-sunshine Jisung, and he knows that the world is on their side.

Development takes time, and Hyunjin has all the time in the world when it comes to Jisung. He’s pined for three years for goodness sakes, he can wait a little more. With every smile that Jisung stops hiding, with every laugh that gets louder, with every confident word Jisung speaks, Hyunjin feels his emotions magnified tenfold.

He’s so in love.

“No, stop.”

Hyunjin juts out his lower lip as he pulls the straw from between his teeth. Jisung wordlessly holds out a stick of gum, eyes still trained on the recorded lecture video he’s watching on his laptop. Hyunjin takes it, unwrapping the foil and biting into it. The flavor explodes in his mouth and he hums in contentment, dropping the straw back into the juice box it came from.

“You know, they kind of look like they’re already married.”

“Changbin, I can hear you,” Jisung mutters. He gives his friend a halfhearted glare over the top of his laptop screen.

Changbin smiles sweetly, batting his eyelashes as he leans onto Seungmin. “He’s getting defensive, isn’t he?”

“Changbin, stop.”

Changbin merely laughs, whispering something into Seungmin’s ear that has him raising his eyebrow and then ducking under the table.

“Oh my god, you’re right. That’s disgusting,” he snickers.

“Can you guys shut up?” Hyunjin crumples the gum wrapper into a tiny ball and lobs it in Seungmin’s general direction. “We’re supposed to be studying.”

“Yeah, we’re supposed to be studying. Using two hands to type is easier than one,” Seungmin retorts. “If you’re going to be gross in public, don’t try to hide it.” He sticks his tongue out and cackles lowly when Hyunjin holds up his chewed-up straw in a threatening manner.

“Hyunjin, stop.”

“Oh my god, it’s like Jisung has him on a leash.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised. He does act like a hyperactive puppy all the time.”

“Guys, _shut up_.” Jisung huffs and pulls their hands up to rest on the table instead of letting them dangle between their chairs. “There, happy?”

Changbin looks absolutely elated as he crosses his arms and leans back in his chair. “You’re the one that’s happy. Look at you holding Hyunjin’s hand in public,” he coos.

Jisung rolls his eyes, glancing away from his laptop screen to meet Hyunjin’s eyes. His cheeks are pink, but it’s because Hyunjin squeezes his hand tighter and not because Changbin is teasing him. He’s used to that by now. Hyunjin, his _boyfriend_, is watching him with an affectionate smile on his face and his nose scrunched cutely. His thumb is tracing swirls into the back of Jisung’s hand. A familiar gesture. Welcome. Loving. It speaks loads even though there are no words said out loud between them.

Jisung looks back to his laptop screen, but he can’t focus anymore. Not when Hyunjin’s knee bumps into his under their table and he scoots closer just enough. Jisung’s thumb begins to move. From the left, upwards and then dipping down before moving up again and meeting in the middle and finally back to where it started.

A repetitive motion. A silent promise.

Infinity.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure how I liked how this ended up because I know there are probably plot holes that I don't have the brain capacity to think through and it feels rushed, but I think it's okay?? Kind of?? (y i k e s ???)  
This is lowkey inspired by predebut HyunSung, especially from TKR when Hyunjin confesses he's fought with basically everyone but Seungmin and Seungmin exposing Jisung for being super emotional. Anyway, let me know how you felt, either on here or on my tumblr (@hhunjins) since this is probably replacing my usual member bday post for Jisung!  
Much love~


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